For some unknown reason I've been thinking about this topic on and off all week. I love being a mother. I fill fulfilled as a mother. From the moment I brought Lachlan home from hospital I felt at peace - like I'd finally found my purpose. I felt 'this was the role for me'. I don't want to imagine the day when I'll have no babies at home during the day or heaven forbid, when they all leave home :( boo hoo... (This may well be because my boys are only 3 and 18mths and I haven't got totally sick of playdough, teddy bear's picnics and playing at the park.)
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't find motherhood easy, and it certainly has not been without it's horrendous days full of screaming and crying from mother and children alike; and of course I crave child-free time (on a frequent-basis) and find the constantness of motherhood a little annoying at times - especially the days when 2 boys follow you to the toliet and hang off your legs all day. I could recount hundreds of moments that fall into that category of 'annoying/ aggravating moments that accompany motherhood'. But that's not the mood I'm in - today I'm in the "I appreciate all the blessings that come with motherhood" mood.
Anyway, to get to the point, after having a few discussions with other mothers this week about various topics, I got to thinking: What makes a successful parent? How does one measure the success of a mother? Is it the number of activities you take your children to? Is it the number of children you choose to have? Because, surely you must a great mother if you have lots of children. right? Is it measured by the number of tantrums your child throws out in public? (If this is it, I scored very low at the library on Tuesday when Lachlan screamed at the top of his lungs in 3 seperate tantrums all in the space of 5 minutes...) Is it measured by the brand of clothes you dress your children in? Is it measured by your children's skill levels? Is it measured by the number of toys your child owns? Are you a successful parent if your children excel academically or in any other chosen area? Is it measured by the contents of the lunchbox you pack? (Come on, you've all looked at those pristine tupperware boxes filled with scrumptious homemade healthy snacks and cursed the mother who managed to accomplish this and is bouncing around in a fresh white linen dress and perfectly blowdryed hairdo to boot. No? really must just be me with a terrible problem then.) Is it measured by the person your child chooses to marry? Or whether they marry in the temple? Is it the number of kisses they give you at bedtime?
I don't have the answer, but offer a thought. As mothers, we compare ourselves all the time. (don't we?) For what? Perhaps in search of feeling like a successful mother - of building our self-esteem and seeking some sort of credit for our work. But at the cost of making others feel inadequate? At the cost of talking so much about how good we are or how wonderful our children are, to the extent that other mothers question their abilities and self-worth? Would it not be better to boost, encourage and build each other up, sharing laughs and crying about our children without judgement?
We are all individuals. We all have different trials, find different things hard or easy. We all have different children. I believe there are no perfect rules. What works for one mother doesn't work for another, just as one set of rules works for one child, but won't for another. A mother has to do what works for her, and her family. Some mothers are calm, some extroverted; some mothers are crafty, some are not; some mothers have clear homes with apparent ease, some have crumbs on the carpet. But all mothers LOVE. We have to forget the media's image of 'the perfect mother who has it all'. We have to erase the pedastal we have in our mind of who we want to be like - for that person has troubles and worries too that we just don't know about. We have to stop counting and start sharing. Let your guard down once in a while and share with a friend what you really feel.
So today I congratulate all mothers out there and particularly my friends, who do their job. That is an accomplishment in itself - to just be a mother day in, day out. I admire each and every one of you for the individual characteristics you have. You are all successful mothers in my eyes because you love your children and do what's best for them. That is all we can do - we can only do the best we can and make choices for our own family, and try a little harder each day. That will be different for every mother out there. And I am learning that that is ok. In fact that is perfect - how else would we learn and grow, if we weren't all different and didn't have varying qualities to share? So thankyou to all you very special and successful mothers who teach me things everyday. Thankyou for your friendship and love and support. Thankyou for allowing me to realise that I have faults. Thankyou for being my friend.
(Please note, this post is my thoughts and definitely NOT directed at anybody else except me. I wanted to express my thoughts and thought you may enjoy reading them too. I think I've always fancied myself as a bit of a writer (I take after my dad) and have found a blog as an outlet. There was absolutely no offence intended and I hope none was taken.)
Would love to hear your thoughts too - perhaps I've totally missed the mark! XX
3 comments:
Bev,
Well written post you have there. You certainly are a deep thinker there! Commend you on dealing with a topic which is so tough that we men tend to turn on the cricket when you guys start talking about it.
I offer a few thoughts to it. First of all I could not agree with you more on the comparison factor. Many people seem to think that its 'women' only who do this type of thing, but its not. Ask your husband and any others, we're constantly comparing ourselves (albeit inwardly) to others. Its one of my biggest and perhaps somewhat fatal flaws. Whether it be sport, church, work or education, or whatever, we have this tendency to think 'oh that person is doing it better, I need to do it better'. Personally, I look at couples and hear or see their children doing stuff beyond what I'm doing and I think 'so what who cares'. But that's just me. I don't care. Whatever the case is, I just want my kids to be happy. BUT, I'll hear of a colleague who has just published a paper or something to that effect and I'll be like, 'oh man, I better do that!' Such is the competitive and comparative society that we live in.
Secondly, I'm not entirely sure that we can do too much about it. But I think that if we as smaller social groups were to recognise that it exists (comparing all the time)then we could begin to collectively alter our perceptions and maybe have a better time of it. But ultimately, our culture is so designed to be competitive and comparing that its perhaps not always entirely possible to rid it completely. In some cases, being that way means being successful in business, etc. In my line of work for instance, we're constantly trying to compare and contrast or beat out another on some piece of intellectual property.
But within the small circle of mothers that you have, I think the hardest part is collectively recognising what you've stated. That you are all different and that there is no need to ever think that because one mother does this, or another does that, that any of you are better or less than equal to any others. I think it's excellent that you've attempted to bring this out into the open. However, the ingrained belief that we have to compare and contrast is perhaps quite difficult to overcome. But in small groups, I'm sure its possible.
I guess my point is that inwardly, I see all mothers comparing the manner in which they do things towards others because there is too much emphasis in this world and partially in this church to be perfect. Noone is ever going to be perfect. I wish I could ram this thought down all parent's throats, but alas we seem to always think that if we are less than perfect, then we are no good. I think the hardest and most difficult part for any mother (or Father) to alter is this perception.
I know that in a ward in Sydney where a friend of mine is that the mothers have discussion and book club groups where they discuss these sorts of things. The woman who runs it loves it because it enables the women to share openly feelings about life, etc and makes everyone equal. But more than this, it brings mothers together and helps them to realise that all have strengths and all have weaknesses. Personally, I think these types of groups would be excellent things for the Relief Society, etc, to organise, but alas I'm not a relief society member!
In short, I think recognising that this really is a problem for our subjective or inner selves is the first step to having more charity for ourselves. I can't say I'm there, but I know that all people have struggles and all people have strengths. I suppose the commmandment 'thou shalt not judge' applies more fully to our own selves in this society which we live in today.
(PS my wife just told me that as you can see, I like to write too....blab blab blab...thats what I do for a living after all...blab on that is).
Nick just said what I was aiming at. Thanks for summarising what I couldn't get out! Comparing ourselves to others is inevitable but it is the most detrimental to my self-esteem. Hence my need to pen these thoughts. I hoped that perhaps others would also assess their own thinking and we could all apreciate and help each other more. I agree that this will never be totally eradicated (it's human nature after all) but it'll be ourselves who suffer.
I love the idea about the discussion group. I'll add it to my list of activities for RS!
For me, comparing ruins beautiful things. i remeber getting ready for balls and dancing and thinking i looked pretty good, then on arrival, the comparing started and by the end of the night i felt ugly. I fall into this catagory. i detect it plays a huge part in my depression. it affects almost every facet of my life. in the areas where i've learnt to let go and have developed a confidence, i find happiness and joy. perhaps i need to find ares in motherhood that i excel in and develop confidence and joy in these areas. great post bev, you've got me thinking....i'm still digesting the whole concept
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